Dear Lil
by darialing
Summary: Lily is strong, can and does bear a lot on her own. James knows that she can carry the weight of the world on her shoulder, but he doesn't think she should have to.
1. Dear Lil

Chapter One

Lily sat on the maroon sofa in the Gryffindor common room on February 13th. She was alone, studying for her O.W.L.s, ignoring the fact that it was nowhere near the end of the year. At least, that's what her best friend Mary Macdonald had told her. Mary was always trying to get Lily to "let down her hair." Lily's response was that Mary's ebony hair was always in a high and tight pony tail while Lily always wore hers down. Always was excluding right now, however. Lily had her fiery red hair in a messy bun with her bangs in her eyes. She was wearing a rather large Gryffindor tee-shirt with a large pumpkin juice stain and a pair of yellow sweat pants full of holes. She didn't really care about her looks when she was studying or sad, and at this point she was only studying to keep her mind off the heavy melancholy permeating her usually upbeat thoughts. She looked down at the wilting lilies and tear-stained letter she had received earlier that morning. The lilies were from Mary, Dorcas, and Emmaline. Her friends gave her the lilies each year on the day before Valentine's Day, hoping to ward off any potential Valentines of Lily's by giving the impression that she already had one. The three girls agreed that Lily was too pretty to be able to avoid any lovesick boys alone, but Lily's opinion differed on who needed protection from the males of Hogwarts. Lily thought Mary was beautiful with her dark black hair that seemed to reflect everything good around it, and her signature smirk that left everyone hanging. She adored Emmaline Vance's natural blonde waves and the melodious voice that she flaunted at every chance. She was jealous of Dorcas Meadowes' ability to pull off hair of many different unnatural colors and the way the girl could look beautiful in a potato sack. Lily's friends were beautiful, and they thought she was too, but they really didn't know the first thing about her. First off, Lily hated lilies, they seemed so sad and droopy, even before they were cut. She had told her friends this thousands of times before the pre-valentine ritual had began, but they never seemed to listen. They didn't care that her favorite play was Othello, or her favorite artist was Norman Rockwell. Lily tried to associate this with the fact that these were things of the Muggle world, but deep down she knew that Mar, Em, and Dor didn't know "Lil" at all. They couldn't seem to listen to a request as simple as a "don't call me Lil, please?".

Despite saying she didn't want a boy in her life yet, Lily would have gladly talked to anyone who genuinely cared and not just about her friends, but the letter she had just received. She had owled Tuni, after years of not speaking, and the reply was not pleasant. Lily had asked her sister, her best friend of years, for help; it was about Severus. Even after what he had called her, Lily still loved the boy who had told her she was not a freak when her best friend was turned against her by jealousy. However, every time he got near her, throwing himself at her feet, Lily would refuse him coldly. Before she knew what had happened, she had turned her back on him and stalked off in the other direction. She knew it was because Sev hadn't treated her right. He had barraged her with insults when they got together, although never anywhere someone else would hear. He even hit her occasionally, but Lily knew it was because of what his father did to him and it had never left any marks. She knew he couldn't help it, so she forgave. She forgave the Slytherin every time he caused her any pain, just reminding herself of everything he had done for her when they were younger. But something snapped when he called her Mudblood, and Lily broke it off. He didn't come and hit her, instead Severus begged to be back in her good graces, apologized for everything he'd done wrong. He said she was smart, beautiful, and everything he'd ever wanted. Perhaps she fell under the last two categories, but she did not feel in anyway smart. A _smart_ person would have changed Severus' name in a letter to Petunia. But Lily didn't, and she paid in heartthrob for it. Her dearest sister had sent a letter back, saying that she didn't care about Lily anymore, she didn't care about the creep from down the road or anything that happened at the freakshow called Hogwarts. Petunia said she had married a nice, _normal _man and had purposely not invited Lily. Petunia told Lily not to contact the elder ever again unless the younger renounced all her abnormalities. Lily read the letter and sobbed. She locked herself in a stall in the second floor bathroom and cried. She stayed there for all her lessons, later claiming to have had a chest cold. She was now studying Dori's Transfiguration notes that she had missed. She set all her books, parchment on the floor and hugged her knees to her chest. She felt utterly, _ridiculously_ alone as the tears leaked out of her eyes, making the mascara she forgot to remove run. She would have accepted the kind words of anyone now, even-

James Potter tiptoed out of the room with a stuffed lion in his overly large hand. He tried to be silent, even though he knew Remus' snores would drown out the noises of a Quidditch match. He didn't really know why the boys had made him leave his own room, but he did it to humor them. He tiptoed down the stairs to the common room, and, just before moving into the light, checked his watch. 12:02 a.m.

"Evans," he said loudly, stepping into a bright beam of light.

"Potter!" said Lily, jumping off the couch and looking self-consciously at her old pajamas.

"Sorry," James said, more quietly than his greeting. "I didn't mean to scare you."

He noticed her red nose and the black, shiny streaks on her face. "Er… is something wrong?" he asked, perplexed. He still had the lion behind his back.

"Here," he said, holding the gift out in his hand. "It's for you; Happy Valentine's Day."

Flustered, but glad to have the subject changed, Lily replied .

"But, Valentine's Day is tomorrow… unless I've studied through the night? Oh no, we have a Potions quiz tomorrow!"

"Relax," said James, plopping himself down on the couch, setting the lion she hadn't taken on his lap. "It's only a few minutes past midnight. Besides, you're a natural at potions."

"That's still too la-" Lily stopped, registering what he had just said. "What did you say?"

"You're a natural at potions, Evans."

Lily blushed a vibrant red and muttered a hurried "thank you."

"Come on, sit down. We've got time."

Lily sat down cautiously, although the sofa was far too small for two people to sit without touching. Lily felt her face flush again, although she wasn't quite sure why.

'She's beautiful even in these ratty old sweats,' thought James, hoping his mouth wasn't agape as it usually was when looking at her. Of course, the open mouth usually was flapping open and close and creating more hostility between him and Lily. He really didn't mean to blabber so obnoxiously, but words were harder to work with around her.

"Here," he repeated, composing himself. He set the lion on her lap. "I'm not sure why, but I thought you'd like him."

Lily picked up the maroon and gold lion. "Thank you. I think I'll name it… Harry. I've always liked the name." Or because it was normal...

Her thoughts changed track but pretended not to notice when James casually placed his arm behind her neck on the top of the couch. She tried to ignore the blush spreading through her body like electricity.

"You're very welcome, Lil."

"Er..." she began. Should she correct him? She didn't want to be rude. However, she really couldn't deal with the feelings associated with the shortened form of her name. "Could you, er... not call me Lil?"

"Oh," said James in surprise. He was under the impression that she had been warming up to him, but he apparently was wrong. Again. "I've heard your friends call you that, so I just th-"

"It's not you specifically!" exclaimed Lily rather aggressively. "Er... I don't really like it when they call me it either, so..."

"It's fine, no need to explain yourself," said James, wanting to get back into the comfortable swing of the conversation. "So, do you want to talk about whatever's bothering you?"

James had asked what was wrong, although none of her friends had. Lily turned to face James, her emerald green eyes filling to the brim with tears as his warm brown eyes searched hers for a sign of what was happening. They reminded Lily of the hot cocoa that she and Tuni used to make after playing in the snow so many years ago. At the thought of her sister, Lily burst into tears and buried her face in James' nearest shoulder. She pointed at the letter on the ground.

James picked it up but only read as far as "Dear Lil," because Lily had snatched it from his hand. She had been jolted back to reality, remembered who's shoulder she was crying on. James Potter didn't care about her, she knew she was just a prize to be won. She was the only girl in the whole school to reject his advances, and James didn't give up so easily. He'd been trying for two years or so now, and Lily would have none of it, no matter how much she needed a friend. Lily tried to smack James squarely across the face and run up the stairs in a huff, letter and lion in hand. Instead, she missed and only sort of boxed him in the ear and tripped on the bottom stair.

'What the bloody hell did I do?' thought James, covering his stinging and ringing ear.


	2. Serial Monogamy is Frowned Upon

Chapter 2

"So what did I do?" said James, laying upside down on his bed.

"Well," began Sirius, glancing through a broomstick catalog, "when you were a baby, I believe your mother dropped you and activated the monogamous dating part of your brain. Hint: life is easier when it isn't activated."

Remus scoffed at Sirius' blatant and nonsensical display of his beliefs against serious relationships. "And what part is that, Sirius? The cerebrum? Cerebellum?"

"I'm gonna go with the top part."

"The top part? Scientific. I'm glad to be friends with someone who is so interested in expanding his horizons."

"You know a good way to expand your horizons?" retaliated Sirius, surprised and almost flustered that Remus was actually arguing with him. Where was the docile, bookish friend in their group now? "Date around."

"Or," countered Remus, "you could try reading a book on a subject besides Quidditch. Learn a spell used for something other than hanging Severus upside down."

Sirius looked up from the moving brooms on the glossy pages of his magazine and glared at the boy across from him. "Is it your time of the month?" he retorted.

"It's an excruciatingly painful transformation from a frail and small human to a ferocious monster, not menstruating."

James was tired of this bullshit. He cleared his throat and sat up. "Hey, asshats. Focus. I need information."

He was in the process of getting the scoop on what the hell had happened early that morning from the Marauders, a task that had appeared daunting and, upon confrontation, proved useless and exasperating. He would have resorted to anything to find out which of his actions had upset Lily, but the lack of input or even focus from his friends was frustrating him beyond belief.

"I gave you information," Sirius reminded him. "You just didn't like it."

"It was _not_ information," whined Remus. "It's your opinion, and a stupid one at that."

James was aggravated to his breaking point. "You know what, nevermind. Fuck you guys." He got up and tried to snatch his Quidditch catalog from Sirius, but they just ended up wrestling for dominance instead of the magazine.

Sirius' voice came out muffled from under James' armpit in an uncomfortable and sweaty headlock: "Let's not do this, James. You know no one will win."

"Oh," James said, smirking, "sure. I don't want to make Remus jealous."

James let go of Sirius and sat back up.

"If you're _quite_ finished," Remus said, crossed and embarrassed, folding his arms across his chest.

"Alright," said James, "have any input yet, Mr. Smarty Pants?"

"Maybe the letter was about you?" suggested Sirius. "And that's why she snatched it away? Maybe she really has got the hots for you."

"If she had the hots for me, I really don't think I would've got that awkward ear-boxing thingamajigg that she did."

"No, no, no," said a seemingly exhausted Lupin. "You're off. She's upset over the 'Lil' part. I don't know why, but that's what it is."

"Well, sadly," began James "I would have never figured that out myself. But what do I do?"

"Go talk to her," urged Sirius. "Now. Apologize."

"I agree," added Remus, "for once."

"Oh, yuck!" yelled James. "Don't kick me out to take advantage of the holiday. Especially not near my bed. But I'll go."

"Oh, bite me, you perv!" shouted Remus as James began to leave.

"That's Padfoot's job!"

"Yuck," muttered the two boys left in the dorm room simultaneously.

Not _just_ in case James was still in earshot.

Obviously.


	3. Bag of Sand

Remus sat alone on the bed after Sirius had left with his Quidditch magazine to go wreak havoc. He laid back and contemplated his dilemma.

**Lily Evans. **

Lily Evans, the angel who had for some reason been released from heaven. Lily Evans, the sprightly red haired goddess. Lily Evans, the one who made him feel all warm and tingly since the first time he was in her presence, on the Hogwarts Express in their first year. Remus had sat with aforementioned celestial being, having a good time and making her laugh. It had given him hope that, even though he was different from everyone on the train, he could make friends. People were open as long as the didn't know his secret.

He longed to make her happy, pined to see again her shockingly green eyes widen just before the punchline of a joke, ached for the hearty and carrying melody of her laugh. But their friendship hadn't really taken sail after the train ride five and a half years ago like he had hoped it would. Lily was friends with Severus, and Remus became friends with the Marauders... and James. Of course, this did not leave much room for friendship. He expected no change in his current situation, even after the recent incident: watching the confusingly strong friendship of Severus and Lily crumble before his very eyes. 'How dare Snivellus call her a such a terrible and derogatory name!' thought Remus, anger swelling inside of him, making him feel heavy. 'Like a bag of sand,' he thought.

'_**I feel like a bag of sand.'**_

Pathetic.

He thought that perhaps he should have **done** something, instead of standing there like a useless lump. Remus always felt useless and unnecessary. He told himself that people only **tolerated **him, that no one really cared about him because he could never really do anything for them.

Sure, he could help someone like Peter with homework. So could Sirius or James, and they wereeach ten times the man he was. They were also better looking and more popular, or perhaps people just accepted this because they were so confident. Some people might consider his best friends' manner arrogant and aggravating, but Remus, a person with barely enough courage to order his own food, admired it. Thinking about James and Lily at the same time made Remus' stomach lurch with guilt. No one knew about Remus' feelings for Lily, and he felt bad that he fancied the same girl that James did. But Remus knew Lily was probably another phase, and hopefully he would grow out of it soon. James could have any girl he wanted, but of course it had to be Lily. Remus felt a roaring in his chest, a whooshing in his ears, and the Gryffindor lion within him told him to go comfort Lily and take advantage of whatever mistake James had made.

**James.**

Remus knew that in the past, James went through girls, left and right. But he had a different approach to Lily. No girl ever received an appropriate Valentine's gift from from Pervy Potter. What if James had a pure love for the first time? Was Remus wrong to come between that? But was it so terrible to have his heart set on such a perfect girl, too? What gave James the right over everyone else to have a girl? He could get anyone he wanted, why did it have to be Lily? Remus surely had as much right to Lily as James. Right?

Wrong.

He wasn't just "Pervy Potter." Pervy Potter and become Prongs for him, not only accepting a werewolf for a friend when any sane human being would not have, but concocting a dangerous and difficult (not to mention illegal) scheme to make sure Remus never had to spend the night alone. He may have learned on the train in his first year that people who didn't know his secret could be open to him, but James knew and protected the secret. It was wrong to yearn for Lily after one sparkling conversation so many years ago and several awkwardly pleasant ones leading up to his current time when James so obviously loved her. It was wrong to keep it a secret when it would be easier to deal with out in the open. But it was most wrong to keep his thoughts on what had made Lily upset that morning to himself. Because while Remus was something less than human, James was more than a man and just what Lily needed.

Remus ran down to the common room. What had seemed like an eternity of pondering his predicament had truthfully only lasted a few minutes, and James was barely beyond the portrait by the time Remus could sprint to him.

"Wait up, James!" he yelled, stopping to catch his breath, doubling over.

James stopped in his tracks. "Out of breath from a homoerotic experience with Sirius?"

'Deep breaths,' said Remus to himself. 'He's a good friend. Underneath the asshattery.'

"I think I know who the letter was from."

Potter spun around, a serious face quickly replacing his sly smirk. "What?"

Remus inhaled deeply and counted to ten. "I think it's from Severus, James."

"Snape?" James paused and contemplated. "That actually makes sense."

"Are you going to talk to her?"

James looked down at his feet, suddenly and uncharacteristically bashful. "I was going to but now... er, I don't really know what to say now. That seems kind of like... a sensitive subject."

"Wasn't it sensitive this morning when she was crying and you kept pushing it?" asked Remus coldly. This was harder than he thought it would be: he was expected not only to give all his information, but to give answers to obvious questions.

"You're right," said James with only the smallest quiver in his voice. He stood up straighter and looked directly into Remus' steely eyes, slightly higher than where his normal gaze fell. "I can do this. For Lily."

Remus sighed as James turned on his heel and sped off.

"For Lil," he muttered as he stalked back to the common room.


	4. She Needed, She Knew

Chapter 4

Lily woke up in a cold sweat from a nightmare she would've given anything not to relive, but had haunted her dreams for days. Her eyes searched frantically for the ticking clock on the dark wall.

"Shit!" she yelped, covering her mouth so as not to wake up any of her roommates. However, realizing that they would all need to wake up too, she screeched a little louder and at an even higher pitch: "We're late!"

Emmaline and Mary bolted upright in their small and uncomfortable beds. Dorcas lay still fast asleep; Lily's outburst was nothing compared to the not-so-dull roar of the Meadowes brothers snores at home.

"What's going on?" asked Emmaline groggily, rubbing sleep out of her stormy, heavy-lidded eyes.

"We're late for class," whined Lily as she scrambled to leave her bed and search for her robes.

'Why are they all asleep, too?' Lily wondered as her foot tangled in the deep maroon blanked on her bed. Trying to release herself from the stranglehold position the blanket had assumed on her limb, she lost her balance and fell on the floor with a loud thud.

"Mother of god, it's Saturday, Lily," said Mary, simultaneously nonchalantly and impatiently.

A muffled "no" came out from under the blanket. Lily found her way out of the entrapment and began her reasoning that it was Friday.

"No, we're suppose to have a Potions test today..." Mary cut her off.

"Jesus, Lil!" yelled the exasperated and reputedly foul-mouthed brunette. "It's Saturday, dumbfuck! I already got woken up when your sorry ass fell down the stairs at fucking midnight. Between Dorcas' goddamn snores and pathetic Potter moaning and groaning your name up the stairs for hours, I got virtually no sleep. I don't have a Valentine, and my grades are mediocre at best, so if you could shut the hell up and quit your god damn bitching, I'd like to waste my life in peace."

Out of breaths and out of profanities, Mary flopped face down onto her bed and muttered "get your shit together before covering her head with a pillow and falling back asleep almost instantaneously.

Emmaline glanced shyly up at Lily, avoiding direct eye contact less the blonde be reminded of her outstanding debt to the ginger and experience the guilt she had hidden away in the recesses of her minded. Emmaline owed Lily more heavily than the latter owed Severus, but Lily would never be repaid.

"W-well," stuttered out Emmaline, a long pause ensuing the single meaningless word.

"Happy Valentines day, Em," said Lily softly.

Emmaline lay back down and mouthed "you, too, Lily" as the never-receiving recipient of the silent message got dressed quickly and quietly. By the time Emmaline too was asleep, Lily was dressed in her muggle clothes and ready to leave the room. She surveyed the room, tears beginning to well up in her sweet green eyes at the notion that had just entered her mind: the people she loved never loved her quite as much as she did them. All at once like being hit by a bludger, sheheart-crushing, body consumingly, well-being destroyingly regretted pushing James away earlier that morning.

LIly may have been just the prize to the always victorious James Potter, but at least James thought she was worthy of being his prize, his shiny new trophy. And he had been so kind and caring last night... He had brought her a nice gift. He had ignored her frumpy clothes. He had respected her plea to not be called Lil. He had been everything Severus, Emmaline, Mary, and all her friends never had been. He was everything that Tuni used to be. But she had stormed out. She had hit him and left him in the cold. How she wished she hadn't done it. While she had told him many times before and he had returned, everything from last night seemed more... serious. More permanent. More important.

She regretted shutting him out with every fiber and ounce of her very being.

She quietly left the room and set off to the library.

She walked along empty corridor after unoccupied hallway.

Left foot.

Right foot.

Left.

Right.

Her feet moved of their own accord.

Their purpose could not be completed solely by their sheer perseverance.

They would need help

from the arms

from the mouth

from the eyes

from the mind

from the heart.

She needed a friend.

She needed love.

She needed what had only been provided by James.

She knew it wouldn't be perfect.

She knew she would get angry with him in the future.

She knew he would laugh when she got angry in the future.

But she supposed it would be worth it in the future.


	5. Well Fuck

Chapter 5

Lily continued down the hallway with no exact destination in mind. She just kept walking and walking, hoping some situation would arise to get her mind off the many eventful and heartbreaking happenings of this morning and the eye opening revelations that had followed:

She didn't hate James.

It made her dizzy just to admit such wild notions to herself. She struggled with her now running-rampant imagination.

'Don't romanticize,' Lily told herself. 'He's still an ass.'

But she couldn't contain herself.

She turned around, surveying all the ground she had covered in her epiphany driven euphoric state. She started to walk backwards slowly, contemplating where to go or what to do. Nothing could melt the smile off her face.

Nothing except...

Severus rounded a corner and saw only a flash of fiery red before colliding head first into the unknown being. He flopped somewhat less than gracefully to the ground and, rubbing the sore spot on his head, yelled out "watch where you're going!" In the same snotty tone he took with all those he believed had wronged him.

Lily had been thrown forward but only stayed in her fallen face-down position for a moment. She scrambled to her feet as quickly and clumsily as physically possible, grabbing her wand out of her robes. If someone was going to ruin her wonderful mood by running into her, they better have been ready to pay.

"I was walking backwards, what's your exc-?" When she finally brushed her bangs out of her eyes, she saw and recognized who her offender was. She faltered and cowered back.

Fight

or

Flight?

Before she could decide from her natural instincts, Severus was up.

"Lily ," he said quietly, eyes wide- a doe in the headlights.

"Sorry, Sev," Lily replied, relieved that Severus was currently the same spineless softie she had befriended so many years before. The angst Severus, berated for years by his family, would have already had his hands on her.

Severus was struck silent. While he had so many excuses before, now he couldn't think of a single word.

"I'm gonna go, Sev," Lily said, beginning to back away. Her strategy with him was that which one would take with a ferocious and carnivorous animal in the wild.

"Wait," blurted out Severus, latching onto LIly's arm as she tried to pull away.

"Sev," whispered Lily pleadingly, fear shining in her eyes.

"Please let me go, Sev. Please don't hurt me."

Severus had no time to show mercy or harm his prey, because both students were distracted. They heard angry male voices, a loud crack, and a pained groan.

"What the hell was that?" asked Lily, pulling against Severus' grip.

He wasn't that strong, and Lily could break away if necessary. She didn't really know when necessary ever was, after everything she had suffered through at his hands. She wanted him to make his own decisions to be kind, to become the person who had protected her from the harsh words of her sister. If that meant pain to herself, she would accept it. Sec had helped her, and he would be helped.

Severus wouldn't make the decision Lily wanted, and he wouldn't let go. If we knew anything at all in this world, he knew what was happening around the corner. If he let happen what would surely ensue Lily stumbling upon the situation down the hall, he would never again receive the pleasure of talking to his best friend.

Because when Sev wasn't upset, they had a wonderful time together. He just couldn't wrap his mind around a friend who would stay after he inflicted physical discomfort and damage on her, but leave at the utterance of a barely offensive term. it was impossible.

So Severus, grief stricken at the hands of what he had lost, convinced himself that Lily was only looking for the "right" kind of apology. He had not yet cracked the code as to what that was or what it entailed, but he was determined.

He couldn't let what little respect Lily had left die, in other words, so he gripped more tightly onto Lily's wrist, his bony fingers imprinting on her soft and pale skin.

Suddenly another cry sounded out: the deep, guttural cry of the cockiest Gryffindor chaser every time he got hit by a bludger. Could it be?

"James?" whispered Lily questioningly, facing Severus and searching his eyes for the answer to her question. Widening in fear and worry, his eyes conveyed the answer Lily needed. Pulling her arm back, then ripping it forward, Lily escaped Severus' vice like grip and ran.

Should she call out?

Would he answer?

Could she help?

"James!" she yelled as she turned the corner. As the scene unfolded before her eyes, Lily voiced her shock simultaneously with James's worry: "Well fuck."

A slytherin boy was on the ground searching frantically (for his wand most likely), blubbering as he crawled and trying to stop the blood flow from his nose. There was a thud and James was on the ground, although he had been dangling from the air moments before. His eye had already begun to swell; it was evident the fight had started physically and ended magically. Severus rounded the corner a few moments after James dropped to the floor.

"Well fuck," he said quietly, frozen into place. James got up quickly and dusted himself off. He looked aimlessly from the stocky bleeding Slytherin to Lily to Severus. His gaze singled out the last.

"Keep calling your friends on me," he said through gritted teeth, "if you want to end up like Mulciber, Snivellus." His tone was serious and ice cold.

Lily shivered.

James offered his hand out to her.

"Come on, Lily."

Lily shot off a response before she had time to remember exactly why she was out of her bed in the first place.

"You don't own me, Potter."

Severus' face lit up. Had everything not been ruined after all?

James looked directly into Lily's eyes and humbled himself for a moment:

"Please?"

Lily hadn't ever heard Potter so meek and sheepish in her long 5 years of acquaintance.

"Okay."

She grasped his clammy palm as he whisked her away from an exhausted Mulciber, lying in a puddle of his own sweat and blood, and a crestfallen Severus, who had finally realized the only woman he would ever love was gone from his life.

James and Lily walked hand in hand down the corridor. They were alternately stealing glances of each other as they moved to a destination unknown to Lily thought James was sweaty before, she had no idea how to create an adjectival form of the buckets of salt water evacuating through Potter's pores. "Sweaty doesn't even begin to cover it," she accidentally muttered aloud.

It was quiet, but James heard nonetheless. He stopped walking and turned towards Lily, and she followed suit. He swallowed back his retort of 'you're no prize either, Evans' and took a more pleasant route. He took his hand away and apologized profusely.

"I'm really sorry. I'm so so so so very sorry."

Lily chuckled, her eyes sparking. "It's fine, James. A little sweat never killed anyone."

"Not just for the sweat. I'm sorry for whatever I did that made you upset last night."

The smiling countenance of her spirited face was wiped away and replaced by a somber look.

"I forgive you, James."

He was stunned by the dramatic change in tone as well as the meaning of the words that fell from Evans' perfect mouth.

"Did you just forgive me asked, snickering nervously. "Have you ever forgiven me? Like, ever?"

"Have you ever apologized to me? Like ever?" mimicked Lily with a smug smile. She began walking again.

James followed so as not to be left behind and stopped her again. "I want to give my opinion on something serious," he started slowly, "so hear me out, okay?"

"Alright," said Lily cautiously.

The walking commenced.

"So..." faltered James. he remembered his mission and tried again. All in one breath he burst out his piece at lightning speed.

"I think you need to stop talking to Severus because he's a jerk and I know that letter you showed me last night was from him and I know he made you cry and there's nothing he can provide for you that I can't also get you and I heard some people call you a desperate whore because, and I quote, 'anyone who would date Severus needs a lock on a boc' and did you know he invents all these really dangerous spells and wants to be a death eater?" James, building his normal confidence that had been shot by Lily's beauty, slowed down to emphasize his point. "And I know you, and I know what's best."

Lily stopped in her tracks, her face growing redder with fury as each second went by, her mouth agape in pure shock that the boy she would've called wonderful 20 minutes ago had such ugl words escape from such beautiful lips.

James paused, too. He completely misread the obvious emotions on her face.

"No need to thank me, love."

Lily could have hit and run like last night. She could have ignored it like a mature adult. What Lily did was neither of these options. She took a page from May Macdonald's book... and yelled.

"JAMES. FUCKING. POTTER. You do **not** know me. You do **not** know what's best for me. YOu are a nasty perv, and I am not your _god_damn trophy."

At this point, James was cowering backwards, searching refuge from the amazing and terrible storm. Every step he took backwards, she took 2 forward.

"I am **not** dating Severus. The letter was **not **from Severus. Severus has hurt me and helped me in more ways than you'll ever know. But no matter how many times he hits me or makes me cry, I would still date him a million times before I would **ever** date you. He is **twice** the man you'll ever be, and I hope you feel _bloody fucking terrible_ that I would say that about someone who has **abused** me for years."

Lily knew she was revealing too much, concealing too little, and she could feel the water rushing from her eyes. She knew she couldn't stop now. Because of the 2 to 1 step ration, they were now face-to-face. Despite LIly needing to look up, she was obviously in charge of the situation. Pure fury met pure fear.

"So you are going to leave me the hell alone," she said, her voice dropping to a dangerous and chilling whisper. "You are going to bother your harlots and 'desperate whores,' and I am going to do what I

damn

well

**please**."

She stood still for a moment, searching his face for any sign that she should forgive, that he should be forgiven.

But nothing.

She didn't run off in tears, but controlled her eyes and heart to walk down the heal, head held high.

James wouldn't see her cry.

Potter sat down on the cold ground, feeling small, confused and hurt.

"Well," he said quietly, feeling as though he could cry, "fuck."


	6. Butterflies

Lily sat at the foot of her bed. Her knees were tucked into her chest and she hugged herself tightly; if no one was going to hold her, she could do it on her own.

As her breathing slowed down and her tears dried, her initial fury died down and her revenging tendencies attacked. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut and tried to reminisce of a simpler time. Every happy thought, however, was plagued and poisoned by what she had lost, and every unhappy one made more painful by the passing of time. Nonetheless, she took a trip down memory lane to distract from her current pain.

_Lily lie in the bright field of grass. The sun felt comfortingly warm on her sensitive skin and she squinted to protect her eyes. Everything about her body was frail, and everything for an adventurous 4 year-old could be risky, but that made undertaking hazardous perils outside all the more fun._

_On break from the dangers of climbing a tree or catching a toad, she intertwined the green stems of yellow flowers. When she had completed her flowered crown, she toddled up behind her sister and placed it gently on Petunia's head. The yellow flowers accented the glistening gold in the elder's blonde locks. Petunia spun around and grabbed Lily, pulling her to the ground and initialing a sisterly tickle-fight._

_As the younger giggled like a maniac, she caught a glimpse across the field. Butterflies of every color skittered around in the light summer's breeze. While the tickling intensified, every butterfly in the field floated towards the sisters. Lily pointed between bales of laughter up at the oncoming army of colorful bugs. Petunia stopped and looked in the direction her sister was pointing; her jaw dropped in shock. Hundreds of butterflies surrounded them, most landing on the grass. One landed in Lily's red hair as it sparkled in the sunlight._

"_Did you...?" asked Tuni incredulously, her eyes wide with amazement._

_Lily nodded, giggling a musical little tinkle when the butterfly from her hair landed on her nose._

"_How?!" questioned her sister in a disbelieving tone._

"_Magic," Lily whispered (so as not to scare away the butterflies) with a slight smirk._

"_You're silly!" laughed Petunia, grabbing her sister again. The plethora of colored wings took flight as the young girl's giggles resounded through the sunny field._

**Author's Note:**

I know I haven't done one of these before, but hello there! I wanted to thank everyone who left reviews and answer some questions. I didn't realize that nothing really explains Lily's struggle for independence, and I'll make sure to elaborate more. Thank you for bringing it to my attention! As for Wolfstar, we may see a little more of that later, if you're patient.

This is my favorite chapter so far, and I'm really happy with the way it turned out. I took sentence structure and sensory detail tips to heart and churned out one of my favorite pieces of writing I've ever done. Thank you again everyone, and remember that I do greatly appreciate reviews: praise or criticism. Have a lovely day, and happy reading/writing!


	7. Baby's Magic

The light of LIly's memory faded from the warm yellow brightness to the flickering white-blue of a fluorescent bulb.

_Lily sat cross legged in front of the TV. She looked behind her to the leather brown couch. There sat her mother, reading a book as she always did on Saturday afternoon. Petunia lay beside her, focusing intently on the blurry TV image._

_Lily faced the TV again and inhale deeply. She could smell whatever sweet treat her father was baking. The timer buzzed, ringing her ears even from the living room._

"_Cookies are done!" sang Mr. Evans from the kitchen._

_Petunia and her mother vacated the couch, the leather crinkling as they stood up. Lily followed her sister in a sprint towards the heavenly smell._

"_Ladies don't run for cookies!" said Mrs. Evans in a raised voice._

_Her advice came too late; the sisters had already reached their destination._

"_Thank you, Daddy," said the sisters simultaneously. They smiled sweetly at their father before grabbing for the sweets. Mrs. Evans finally entered the kitchen._

"_Your 'dignified lady' walk gave you last pick," giggled Petunia between large mouthfuls of cookies. "We already took the best ones."_

_Her mother laughed._

"_Jokes on you, girls, I can have your father make me cookies whenever I want." She grabbed her husband to her side._

"_Isn't that right, dear?" she asked teasingly, looking fondly at him._

_Mr. Evans glanced up from the mail in his hand and pecked his wife on the cheek._

"_Sure thing, honey," he replied. He tucked a blonde strand of hair behind her ear, looking at her affectionately._

"_Ew!" squealed his daughters, rubbing their eyes in feigned, exaggerated disgust._

_Mr. Evans chuckled as he returned to sorting through the mail. He handed an envelope to Lily._

"_What _is_ that?" he asked, still flipping through the bills. His eyes raised. "It came for you."_

"_Haven't the slightest," she said honestly._

_When she flipped over the yellowing piece of mail, she found a wax seal._

_She reached into the utensil drawer and grabbed a butter knife._

"_Ladies use letter openers, not knives!" said her mother shrilly._

_As before, the suggestion came too late and Lily already had the letter open by the time her mother's sentence was complete. Lily unfolded the light brown parchment. She read the letter, her eyes growing wide with excitement and shock for every phrase she soaked in._

"_I'm... magic?" she whispered in awe. Her mind reeled with possibilities of what she could do with..._

_with magic!_

"_What did you say, honey?" her father asked absentmindedly while cleaning up the kitchen._

"_I'm magic," she repeated, with a stronger conviction._

_Petunia began to read over her sister's shoulder. After the first couple lines, she snatched the page from Lily's small pale hands. Tuni's eyes scanned the page for proof that this was a prank, and she grew angry when the search proved futile._

"_You have _got_ to be kidding me!" she screeched, livid. "This has _got_ to be a joke!"_

_As Petunia spouted off her disbelief, it was Mrs. Evans' turn to snatch the letter. She and Mr. Evans read it silently. When they had finished (Mrs. Evans first, as she was the reader of the family), they stood in dumbfounded shock._

"_Our baby's magic!" laughed Mr. Evans nervously. They began dancing and yelling at their excitement._

_Lily still sat in stunned silence, a cookie in hand. Petunia smacked the cookie out of her sister's tiny hand. Lily met her eyes, seeing only pure fury._

"_Don't eat that," Petunia spat out venomously. "You're looking pudgy."_


	8. Wizard

Chapter 8

Tears fell softly on LIly's knees as such bittersweet memories flooded back. The warm light of the field returned but the event itself transpiring led her to the pathetic state she was in here and now.

_Lily looked across the green field. She saw a figure and her mind immediately jumped to Tuni. Her eyes stung with tears; she hadn't gotten to play with her sister in months. Not since the letter came. While Lily was ecstatic to learn the ways of magic, she felt terrible Petunia wouldn't be joining her. Lily knew she would be homesick when she left for Hogwarts, but at the moment, she was sick of home. Her stomach ached every time her sister snapped at her, and her heart was broken that Tuni wasn't a wizard._

_It was late summer, and the yellow flowers had become little clouds of white through the season. Lily delicately picked one and held it close to her lips, She wished to fix the only problem in her seemingly flawless life. Everything was going her way, except..._

"_I wish that Tuni was magic," Lily whispered into the summer breeze. She closed her eyes and blew as hard as she could._

_When she opened her eyes, Lily witnessed a beautiful thing:_

_It was like she had blown on every single dandelion in the field instead of just the one in her hand. Millions of white particles floated through the air, casting little light shadows all over the grass._

_The figure Lily had spotted earlier came running towards her. Lily panicked and searched for something to defend herself with. When she found nothing, she crossed her fingers and tried to take advantage of her newly discovered powers._

_When the figure, a young boy with dark hair and sallow skin, approached her, she yelled out "Abracadabra!"_

_The boy's face changed from sulky to baffled._

"_Alakazam!" she tried again, hysteria evident in her voice._

"_are you trying to magic me away?" questioned the boy, clearly amused._

"_I'm a wizard!" she yelled shakily. She knew must've seemed terribly unstable. "I can hurt you!'_

"_Are you from Hogwarts?"_

_She suspiciously eyed the stranger before her._

"_How do you know about Hogwarts?"_

"_I'm starting this year."_

"_Oh... really?"_

"_Obviously. Also, you're not a wizard."_

"_Yes, I am!"_

"_No, you're a girl. Boys are wizards and girls are witches."_

"_I can be a wizard if I want!"_

"_Sure you can."_

"_Was that sarcasm? Don't sass me."_

"_No, I actually agree."_

"_Oh... okay. Thanks."_

"_All your other family members are muggles, right?"_

"_What is that? Is that a bad word? Don't curse in front of me!"_

"_Muggle?"_

"_No, I meant what does 'right' mean. No. You know what I meant. Obviously."_

"_No need to be rude."_

"_Fine, just tell me."_

"_A muggle is someone who can't do magic."_

"_Oh. Yeah. They're all m... muddles."_

"_Muggles."_

"_That's what I said."_

"_Okay."_

"_Yeah."_

"_So are they nice? Your family, I mean."_

"_They all used to be. But my sister hasn't been since I got my Hogwarts letter."_

"_She's just jealous."_

"_I know. But I feel bad. She's my best friend."_

"_I could be your best friend."_

"_Tuni is already my best friend."_

"_Is that your sister?"_

"_Yeah."_

"_I could be your second best friend."_

"_... Okay."_

"_I could be your Hogwarts best friend"_

"_... Okay."_

"_I'm Severus."_

"_Lily."_

"_I'm glad I went outside today."_

"_Hey, Sev?"_

"_Yeah?"_

"_Thanks for listening."_

"_No problem, Lil."_


	9. I Own You

Chapter 9

_Lily leaned against the scratchy bark of her favorite tree on Hogwarts grounds. Her nose was stuck in a book and her eyes poured excitedly over its pages. Even in her third year at Hogwarts, magic had not yet ceased to amaze her. Consequently, her courses were her life and she threw herself into learning wholeheartedly._

_Severus sat beside her, levitating a leaf from the beloved tree. He had chosen a particular leag the exact color of Lily's hair. It floated upwards, hovered, and glided back to the ground._

_All was peaceful._

_But of course, peace could not last._

_James Potter &co. swaggered across the courtyard to a bench mere feet from the others. Sirius flp[[ed to the ground. leaning on the bench like he owned it. Remus stood nervously by, knowing the close proximity to Severus would eventually cause trouble and predicting the close proximity to Lily would cause him great shame. Peter sat on the ground, eagerly awaiting the wise words of Sirius or James to absorb and mimic. James sat last, lounging on the bench like a prince on his throne._

_He glanced toward the tree and caught sight of Lily. He eyed her hungrily, as if she were a tasty meal instead of an introverted bookish feminist. Severus stared at James with a sneer, growling at his enemy. James laughed out loud at Severus' ridiculous charade to prove unearned dominance._

_Lily unglued her eyes from _Powerful Women in Magic_ at the foul mocking laugh of James Potter. She would recognize that dreadful sound anywhere. It meant her peaceful afternoon would soon become a war zone._

_As well as Lily could recognize James' laugh, he could spot her recognition face from a mile away._

"_Ey, Evans!" he yelled obnoxiously from his spot on the throne. "Why don't you come on over here for a minute?"_

_Lily clapped her book shut and glared at the repugnant boy across the way. _

"_And why on earth would I want to do that, Potter?" she yelled back with emphasis on the p of Potter to stress her disgust and disdain for him._

"_Let me rephrase that so as not to confuse you with so many potential answers: Get your fine ass over here. There," he said smirking, "it's no longer a question."_

"_James Potter!" Lily shouted crossly, her face growing redder by the second. She would later chalk it up to pure fury, but embarrassment played a rather large part in the changing of her skin's pigmentation for the duration of the following argument. "You are the planets biggest git!"_

"_As long," he began with a perverted smile, "as that planet is Uranus."_

_Sirius laughed heartily and Peter followed suit with a high pitched giggle._

"_Because I will most certainly be the biggest it's ever seen."_

_This comment from James was followed by more laughter from the Marauders, a concealed scowl from Remus, an angry growl from Severus, and a loud, livid lecture by Lily._

"_You are such a misogynistic bloody wanker! Just because you find a woman's body attractive does _not_ mean you can speak to her like that! You absolute pig!"_

"_Oh, please, Evans," scoffed James offhandedly. "I own you."_

_Lily walked slowly but deliberately over to James' bench, shaking with a white hot rage. She kicked Peter aside and ignored the sharp cry that came from the ground. She instead reached James and grabbed him by the collar, pulling him close to her face._

_She began in a blood curdling whisper: "You will never. ever. _ever. _own me."_

_She let go of the white cotton fabric and turned away._

"_Thanks for the support," she snapped at Sev before stalking away. Severus trailed behind her, calling out for her to stop until the Marauders could hear him no more._

"_She hates you," said Remus, convinced._

"_Nah, she doesn't," laughed Sirius, clapping James on the back as he got up off the grass._

"_She'll come around!' assured Peter squeakily._

"_When you stop acting like such an arse to her," muttered Remus with no clue how accurate this sentence was._


End file.
